Yesterday was a tough day. I ended it listening to a few of my dad's favorites. He has hundreds, if not thousands of CDs and even has a sizable collection of LPs.
Have you heard of the game Song Pop? It is a game that you can download on your smart phone. You pick your category and then you guess either the name of the song or the artist. I love that game. However, I loved it before it was ever created.
Just about every weekend growing up, my dad would wake up the whole house on the weekend at 6 am with AC/DC's Hells Bells. After we finished up our chores, we would sit around in the living room and we would play guess this artist. As I became proficient in that game, we started adding titles of songs. I hated getting woken up that way growing up...but I loved that damn game! There was one song that I always got excited that I knew...but I always got it wrong.
I always ALWAYS said The Who's Teenage Wasteland....he would just laugh and tell me to try again.
My dad was not an emotional man. I think I saw him cry only once...but he tried so hard to hide it. However, I could tell by what was playing what kind of mood he was in. My mother knew if she could hear the music when she pulled up from work, not to come in. Generally it was Metallica when he had a bad day at work. He definitely expressed his mood through his music. I am just like that. If I am sad, I pick sad music. If I am happy, I pick upbeat music. If I am mad, I pick the stuff you just cannot understand (my daughter calls it death metal). I haven't been feeling much in the mood for music...but I found out from my mother what his favorite song was...and I just cannot stop listening.
I love you Pops. I miss you terribly. Ride hard. Ride free.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Longest Week of My Life
This week has been the longest year of my life. Yes, you read that correctly.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM, I lost my father. He was my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, and my pops. He meant a lot to me. As I type this, many, many, many memories are flooding back. My dad never minced words. He was very straight forward and did not believe beating around the bush. He had some quirky sayings. He always had sound advice. He was always good at seeing other points of view. He was loyal. He was passionate. He wasn't Mr. Popular...but the friends he had were lifers and would do anything in the world for him!
I have tried my entire adult life to be just like him, or so I thought. I admired him so much that I wanted to be just like him. For the last few years, I have been lost...trying to find my way. I tried to find my way alone. I would occasionally call for some advice, but for the most part, I tried to use what he had taught me. I seemed to get further away from the true me. One of the phrases he often said to me was that you cannot please everyone all the time. I was working hard to try to prove him wrong. As I was working to this, I really lost who I was. I became complacent and unhappy. But as I've come to learn, he was 100% right. Over the past few months, I had been trying to get back to what he taught me. We recently had a conversation regarding my daughter. My daughter is everything thing I used to be, vibrant, full of life, not taking shit from anyone...very independent and strong willed. I even commented to him I wish I could be more like her. He said "I don't know what happened. I taught you everything I taught her. It just took better with her." Honestly, that was when it hit me I was just being stubborn and trying to prove him wrong...even in my adult life (I thought I was done with that in my early twenties).
Over the past several months, with the help of a therapist (which he always said he hated, but when I would tell him what mine said, he said he thinks he would like her...) I am starting to take back my life...with my own personality. I had to make a significant decision in my life right around the holidays. The complacent, people pleasing me wouldn't have thought twice and just moved forward. However, the daughter that my father raised did not deserve the treatment she was getting. I made some decisions that were difficult and painful. He knew how much difficulty I was having...and how much I was hurting. He texted me (YES, my father had a flip phone but texted often). I have the conversation still in my phone. Let me transcribe:
Dad: Can we do anything?
Me: Assure me it was the right thing to do.
Dad: You know it was!
Me: I'll be ok. Doing it wasn't that hard...just now the alone time that allows me to second gueses my decision...that's the bitch.
Dad: Don't over think it.
Me: But you know....that's what I do best!!!!
Dad: I know...that is why I told you not to.
^ my father knows me best...he knew what I was doing...
That was my last text conversation with him.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM, I lost my father. He was my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, and my pops. He meant a lot to me. As I type this, many, many, many memories are flooding back. My dad never minced words. He was very straight forward and did not believe beating around the bush. He had some quirky sayings. He always had sound advice. He was always good at seeing other points of view. He was loyal. He was passionate. He wasn't Mr. Popular...but the friends he had were lifers and would do anything in the world for him!
I have tried my entire adult life to be just like him, or so I thought. I admired him so much that I wanted to be just like him. For the last few years, I have been lost...trying to find my way. I tried to find my way alone. I would occasionally call for some advice, but for the most part, I tried to use what he had taught me. I seemed to get further away from the true me. One of the phrases he often said to me was that you cannot please everyone all the time. I was working hard to try to prove him wrong. As I was working to this, I really lost who I was. I became complacent and unhappy. But as I've come to learn, he was 100% right. Over the past few months, I had been trying to get back to what he taught me. We recently had a conversation regarding my daughter. My daughter is everything thing I used to be, vibrant, full of life, not taking shit from anyone...very independent and strong willed. I even commented to him I wish I could be more like her. He said "I don't know what happened. I taught you everything I taught her. It just took better with her." Honestly, that was when it hit me I was just being stubborn and trying to prove him wrong...even in my adult life (I thought I was done with that in my early twenties).
Over the past several months, with the help of a therapist (which he always said he hated, but when I would tell him what mine said, he said he thinks he would like her...) I am starting to take back my life...with my own personality. I had to make a significant decision in my life right around the holidays. The complacent, people pleasing me wouldn't have thought twice and just moved forward. However, the daughter that my father raised did not deserve the treatment she was getting. I made some decisions that were difficult and painful. He knew how much difficulty I was having...and how much I was hurting. He texted me (YES, my father had a flip phone but texted often). I have the conversation still in my phone. Let me transcribe:
Dad: Can we do anything?
Me: Assure me it was the right thing to do.
Dad: You know it was!
Me: I'll be ok. Doing it wasn't that hard...just now the alone time that allows me to second gueses my decision...that's the bitch.
Dad: Don't over think it.
Me: But you know....that's what I do best!!!!
Dad: I know...that is why I told you not to.
^ my father knows me best...he knew what I was doing...
That was my last text conversation with him.
Friday, June 7, 2013
It's been a while....
It has been a while since I last wrote. I've since been through the procedure with flying colors. I was sleeved on May 15th. I've been a bit better doing my facebook page than this blog. But as I'm finding I really don't have any hobbies, I'm gonna make this blog my hobby :) I hope my readers enjoy the things to come.
Today is an emotional day for me. I'm almost ready to go back to work, but fear the state of things to come. You see, when I go back, I will have a whole new department and I will be the only stable person there...with the business knowledge of how the department operates. I find that I get extremely tired around 3-4 which would be JUST in time for my hour commute home. I'm going to have to try to make it through, since I go back next week.
I couldn't sleep last night....maybe due to the horrid dreams I've been having...due to the amount of worrying I've been doing. So, I get up and do some chores. Done with that by 6:30 AM so I decide to eat an early breakfast. It is after all the most important meal of the day. By 7 AM, I am back in my perpetual boredom state. So, off to Facebook I go to play.
I see a few people that I used to be close to many moons ago. I start to think...what happened? I know what happened. I sat on the sidelines and allowed my life and the life of my only child pass me by. For gatherings, I made excuses to miss things. I became a hermit. I think back to the things I should have done and think I really didn't seize the moment. I know....I know...the past is the past and there is nothing to do about it. However, I have decided that I am no longer going to sit it out, my life that is. I'm going to start living and stop caring what other people think (my major downfall). Why do I care so much? I don't even know. Maybe it's the way I'm wired. I've always been the caretaker type of person. Deep down, maybe it's because I'm so heavy that I don't think I'm worthy. Something to ponder....
Today is an emotional day for me. I'm almost ready to go back to work, but fear the state of things to come. You see, when I go back, I will have a whole new department and I will be the only stable person there...with the business knowledge of how the department operates. I find that I get extremely tired around 3-4 which would be JUST in time for my hour commute home. I'm going to have to try to make it through, since I go back next week.
I couldn't sleep last night....maybe due to the horrid dreams I've been having...due to the amount of worrying I've been doing. So, I get up and do some chores. Done with that by 6:30 AM so I decide to eat an early breakfast. It is after all the most important meal of the day. By 7 AM, I am back in my perpetual boredom state. So, off to Facebook I go to play.
I see a few people that I used to be close to many moons ago. I start to think...what happened? I know what happened. I sat on the sidelines and allowed my life and the life of my only child pass me by. For gatherings, I made excuses to miss things. I became a hermit. I think back to the things I should have done and think I really didn't seize the moment. I know....I know...the past is the past and there is nothing to do about it. However, I have decided that I am no longer going to sit it out, my life that is. I'm going to start living and stop caring what other people think (my major downfall). Why do I care so much? I don't even know. Maybe it's the way I'm wired. I've always been the caretaker type of person. Deep down, maybe it's because I'm so heavy that I don't think I'm worthy. Something to ponder....
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