Yesterday was a tough day. I ended it listening to a few of my dad's favorites. He has hundreds, if not thousands of CDs and even has a sizable collection of LPs.
Have you heard of the game Song Pop? It is a game that you can download on your smart phone. You pick your category and then you guess either the name of the song or the artist. I love that game. However, I loved it before it was ever created.
Just about every weekend growing up, my dad would wake up the whole house on the weekend at 6 am with AC/DC's Hells Bells. After we finished up our chores, we would sit around in the living room and we would play guess this artist. As I became proficient in that game, we started adding titles of songs. I hated getting woken up that way growing up...but I loved that damn game! There was one song that I always got excited that I knew...but I always got it wrong.
I always ALWAYS said The Who's Teenage Wasteland....he would just laugh and tell me to try again.
My dad was not an emotional man. I think I saw him cry only once...but he tried so hard to hide it. However, I could tell by what was playing what kind of mood he was in. My mother knew if she could hear the music when she pulled up from work, not to come in. Generally it was Metallica when he had a bad day at work. He definitely expressed his mood through his music. I am just like that. If I am sad, I pick sad music. If I am happy, I pick upbeat music. If I am mad, I pick the stuff you just cannot understand (my daughter calls it death metal). I haven't been feeling much in the mood for music...but I found out from my mother what his favorite song was...and I just cannot stop listening.
I love you Pops. I miss you terribly. Ride hard. Ride free.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Longest Week of My Life
This week has been the longest year of my life. Yes, you read that correctly.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM, I lost my father. He was my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, and my pops. He meant a lot to me. As I type this, many, many, many memories are flooding back. My dad never minced words. He was very straight forward and did not believe beating around the bush. He had some quirky sayings. He always had sound advice. He was always good at seeing other points of view. He was loyal. He was passionate. He wasn't Mr. Popular...but the friends he had were lifers and would do anything in the world for him!
I have tried my entire adult life to be just like him, or so I thought. I admired him so much that I wanted to be just like him. For the last few years, I have been lost...trying to find my way. I tried to find my way alone. I would occasionally call for some advice, but for the most part, I tried to use what he had taught me. I seemed to get further away from the true me. One of the phrases he often said to me was that you cannot please everyone all the time. I was working hard to try to prove him wrong. As I was working to this, I really lost who I was. I became complacent and unhappy. But as I've come to learn, he was 100% right. Over the past few months, I had been trying to get back to what he taught me. We recently had a conversation regarding my daughter. My daughter is everything thing I used to be, vibrant, full of life, not taking shit from anyone...very independent and strong willed. I even commented to him I wish I could be more like her. He said "I don't know what happened. I taught you everything I taught her. It just took better with her." Honestly, that was when it hit me I was just being stubborn and trying to prove him wrong...even in my adult life (I thought I was done with that in my early twenties).
Over the past several months, with the help of a therapist (which he always said he hated, but when I would tell him what mine said, he said he thinks he would like her...) I am starting to take back my life...with my own personality. I had to make a significant decision in my life right around the holidays. The complacent, people pleasing me wouldn't have thought twice and just moved forward. However, the daughter that my father raised did not deserve the treatment she was getting. I made some decisions that were difficult and painful. He knew how much difficulty I was having...and how much I was hurting. He texted me (YES, my father had a flip phone but texted often). I have the conversation still in my phone. Let me transcribe:
Dad: Can we do anything?
Me: Assure me it was the right thing to do.
Dad: You know it was!
Me: I'll be ok. Doing it wasn't that hard...just now the alone time that allows me to second gueses my decision...that's the bitch.
Dad: Don't over think it.
Me: But you know....that's what I do best!!!!
Dad: I know...that is why I told you not to.
^ my father knows me best...he knew what I was doing...
That was my last text conversation with him.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013 at 5:25 PM, I lost my father. He was my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, and my pops. He meant a lot to me. As I type this, many, many, many memories are flooding back. My dad never minced words. He was very straight forward and did not believe beating around the bush. He had some quirky sayings. He always had sound advice. He was always good at seeing other points of view. He was loyal. He was passionate. He wasn't Mr. Popular...but the friends he had were lifers and would do anything in the world for him!
I have tried my entire adult life to be just like him, or so I thought. I admired him so much that I wanted to be just like him. For the last few years, I have been lost...trying to find my way. I tried to find my way alone. I would occasionally call for some advice, but for the most part, I tried to use what he had taught me. I seemed to get further away from the true me. One of the phrases he often said to me was that you cannot please everyone all the time. I was working hard to try to prove him wrong. As I was working to this, I really lost who I was. I became complacent and unhappy. But as I've come to learn, he was 100% right. Over the past few months, I had been trying to get back to what he taught me. We recently had a conversation regarding my daughter. My daughter is everything thing I used to be, vibrant, full of life, not taking shit from anyone...very independent and strong willed. I even commented to him I wish I could be more like her. He said "I don't know what happened. I taught you everything I taught her. It just took better with her." Honestly, that was when it hit me I was just being stubborn and trying to prove him wrong...even in my adult life (I thought I was done with that in my early twenties).
Over the past several months, with the help of a therapist (which he always said he hated, but when I would tell him what mine said, he said he thinks he would like her...) I am starting to take back my life...with my own personality. I had to make a significant decision in my life right around the holidays. The complacent, people pleasing me wouldn't have thought twice and just moved forward. However, the daughter that my father raised did not deserve the treatment she was getting. I made some decisions that were difficult and painful. He knew how much difficulty I was having...and how much I was hurting. He texted me (YES, my father had a flip phone but texted often). I have the conversation still in my phone. Let me transcribe:
Dad: Can we do anything?
Me: Assure me it was the right thing to do.
Dad: You know it was!
Me: I'll be ok. Doing it wasn't that hard...just now the alone time that allows me to second gueses my decision...that's the bitch.
Dad: Don't over think it.
Me: But you know....that's what I do best!!!!
Dad: I know...that is why I told you not to.
^ my father knows me best...he knew what I was doing...
That was my last text conversation with him.
Friday, June 7, 2013
It's been a while....
It has been a while since I last wrote. I've since been through the procedure with flying colors. I was sleeved on May 15th. I've been a bit better doing my facebook page than this blog. But as I'm finding I really don't have any hobbies, I'm gonna make this blog my hobby :) I hope my readers enjoy the things to come.
Today is an emotional day for me. I'm almost ready to go back to work, but fear the state of things to come. You see, when I go back, I will have a whole new department and I will be the only stable person there...with the business knowledge of how the department operates. I find that I get extremely tired around 3-4 which would be JUST in time for my hour commute home. I'm going to have to try to make it through, since I go back next week.
I couldn't sleep last night....maybe due to the horrid dreams I've been having...due to the amount of worrying I've been doing. So, I get up and do some chores. Done with that by 6:30 AM so I decide to eat an early breakfast. It is after all the most important meal of the day. By 7 AM, I am back in my perpetual boredom state. So, off to Facebook I go to play.
I see a few people that I used to be close to many moons ago. I start to think...what happened? I know what happened. I sat on the sidelines and allowed my life and the life of my only child pass me by. For gatherings, I made excuses to miss things. I became a hermit. I think back to the things I should have done and think I really didn't seize the moment. I know....I know...the past is the past and there is nothing to do about it. However, I have decided that I am no longer going to sit it out, my life that is. I'm going to start living and stop caring what other people think (my major downfall). Why do I care so much? I don't even know. Maybe it's the way I'm wired. I've always been the caretaker type of person. Deep down, maybe it's because I'm so heavy that I don't think I'm worthy. Something to ponder....
Today is an emotional day for me. I'm almost ready to go back to work, but fear the state of things to come. You see, when I go back, I will have a whole new department and I will be the only stable person there...with the business knowledge of how the department operates. I find that I get extremely tired around 3-4 which would be JUST in time for my hour commute home. I'm going to have to try to make it through, since I go back next week.
I couldn't sleep last night....maybe due to the horrid dreams I've been having...due to the amount of worrying I've been doing. So, I get up and do some chores. Done with that by 6:30 AM so I decide to eat an early breakfast. It is after all the most important meal of the day. By 7 AM, I am back in my perpetual boredom state. So, off to Facebook I go to play.
I see a few people that I used to be close to many moons ago. I start to think...what happened? I know what happened. I sat on the sidelines and allowed my life and the life of my only child pass me by. For gatherings, I made excuses to miss things. I became a hermit. I think back to the things I should have done and think I really didn't seize the moment. I know....I know...the past is the past and there is nothing to do about it. However, I have decided that I am no longer going to sit it out, my life that is. I'm going to start living and stop caring what other people think (my major downfall). Why do I care so much? I don't even know. Maybe it's the way I'm wired. I've always been the caretaker type of person. Deep down, maybe it's because I'm so heavy that I don't think I'm worthy. Something to ponder....
Friday, November 2, 2012
What next?
So, I went to the surgeon on October 24th. Let me describe THAT experience. First, after getting lost for over 20 minutes, I finally find the place nestled in a doctor office complex that looked like the old portable buildings that we used for extra classrooms at school. I walk in the office. Doesn't look too bad. Only one other person waiting. I filled out my paperwork early, so that I wouldn't have to come in 45 minutes early. Well, the attendant tells me there's MORE paperwork. WTH? I already filled out six sheets, what more could they possibly want to know???
After filling out these pages, I sit on a nice comfy bench...with the TV blaring in my ear. Some survivor show shit. I don't know. I don't want daytime TV, so I have no clue what it was. Finally after waiting 30 minutes pasted my appointment time, I get called back. But wait, before we go on, maybe it would be fair if I were to explain MY expectations of this facility.
The seminar I went to was in a nice conference room, with slides showing the stellar accommodations of the hospital rooms. The slide show was also touting the advance technology that was being utilized in surgery to reduce complications and all that jazz. So, I expected the surgeon's office to be an extension of this.
This was NOT the case. When I was called back, I stepped back into the late 70s early 80s. In terms of structure and decor. The ceilings were low, the halls were dimly lit, and there was wood paneling on the walls. We go back to a room, with a door no sturdier than the old trailer closet doors. The nurse says that she needs to weigh me. I say ok, prepared to walk back out of the hall (as I am used to a triage room then the patient room). NOPE. the scale is behind the door. She tells me to go all the way in so we can close the door. Yes, the room was pretty small.
Anyways, I jump on the scale. Do you know what I realize at this moment? I have gained back almost all of my weight since my last "healthy life style change" binge. 7 more pounds, and I'll be back at my all time heaviest. I was ready to cry. To the nurse, it was no big deal. She asked me one question and out she went to get the doctor.
I do what I always do in these offices. Sit in the chair and stare at the walls. This office was very interesting. There was an old timey dawn bottle (without the label) on the counter filled with something white. I'm hoping some sort of hand soap, but I wasn't THAT curious. I was in a chair facing the door. To my right was the exam table. Looked just like every other exam table I've seen with the step stool coated with sand paper for grip and paper lining the sitting/laying part. To my left was an interesting area. It looked like a small closet. There was a rod with a shower curtain looking divider. The divider was pulled so the room was open to see in. There was a chair and a shelf (high enough to be like a work station). On the shelf top was a few examples of the different bariatric procedures and lots of pamphlets.
In pops the doctor. Shakes my hand, introduces herself. Cold hands. She proceeds to sit on the bottom step of the exam table. We talk. She sees that I've had a rough year (with a gall bladder issue and being diagnosed with sleep apnea). So she indicates a few tests that will need to be done and says it was nice meeting you. See you soon.
Thank you very much.
A week later, I'm confused, scared, and not sure what to do. I think back to my feelings as I stepped on the scale...if I couldn't sustain that "life change", how in the hell am I gonna do this?!?!?!? I'm in for a long journey.
After filling out these pages, I sit on a nice comfy bench...with the TV blaring in my ear. Some survivor show shit. I don't know. I don't want daytime TV, so I have no clue what it was. Finally after waiting 30 minutes pasted my appointment time, I get called back. But wait, before we go on, maybe it would be fair if I were to explain MY expectations of this facility.
The seminar I went to was in a nice conference room, with slides showing the stellar accommodations of the hospital rooms. The slide show was also touting the advance technology that was being utilized in surgery to reduce complications and all that jazz. So, I expected the surgeon's office to be an extension of this.
This was NOT the case. When I was called back, I stepped back into the late 70s early 80s. In terms of structure and decor. The ceilings were low, the halls were dimly lit, and there was wood paneling on the walls. We go back to a room, with a door no sturdier than the old trailer closet doors. The nurse says that she needs to weigh me. I say ok, prepared to walk back out of the hall (as I am used to a triage room then the patient room). NOPE. the scale is behind the door. She tells me to go all the way in so we can close the door. Yes, the room was pretty small.
Anyways, I jump on the scale. Do you know what I realize at this moment? I have gained back almost all of my weight since my last "healthy life style change" binge. 7 more pounds, and I'll be back at my all time heaviest. I was ready to cry. To the nurse, it was no big deal. She asked me one question and out she went to get the doctor.
I do what I always do in these offices. Sit in the chair and stare at the walls. This office was very interesting. There was an old timey dawn bottle (without the label) on the counter filled with something white. I'm hoping some sort of hand soap, but I wasn't THAT curious. I was in a chair facing the door. To my right was the exam table. Looked just like every other exam table I've seen with the step stool coated with sand paper for grip and paper lining the sitting/laying part. To my left was an interesting area. It looked like a small closet. There was a rod with a shower curtain looking divider. The divider was pulled so the room was open to see in. There was a chair and a shelf (high enough to be like a work station). On the shelf top was a few examples of the different bariatric procedures and lots of pamphlets.
In pops the doctor. Shakes my hand, introduces herself. Cold hands. She proceeds to sit on the bottom step of the exam table. We talk. She sees that I've had a rough year (with a gall bladder issue and being diagnosed with sleep apnea). So she indicates a few tests that will need to be done and says it was nice meeting you. See you soon.
Thank you very much.
A week later, I'm confused, scared, and not sure what to do. I think back to my feelings as I stepped on the scale...if I couldn't sustain that "life change", how in the hell am I gonna do this?!?!?!? I'm in for a long journey.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The first step...to the rest of my life...
I'm a fat girl. No, I'm not being mean, I am medically "morbidly obese". I have always been heavy since puberty...and packed on pounds with a pregnancy and smoking cessation times two! I've been determined a number of times and made some significant progress (almost 50 pounds once). I would be a faithful calorie counter, exercise (as much as I could stand), and really stayed true. I was doing so well that at one point, I ate my favorite take out after months of "cleaner" eating and I was sick to my stomach. It truly made me pukey.
Well, all of this blabbing is taking you to the current. Something would happen, and we would start to eat out more...or even worse, expenses increased and had to cut the grocery budget. Healthy food is expensive. Hamburger Helper, not so much. BUT do you know what kind of crap is in that? Mostly salt and some sort of flavoring. I digress.
I once had a family member say to me "The corporate world thinks fat people are lazy. You should really consider bariatric surgery to be able to move forward in your career." I really wanted to punch this individual. Hard. I could do this. I could do this all by myself. I didn't need the cheater method. Surgery was cheating. If I just became disciplined enough, I could make it happen.I signed up for My Fitness Pal, recommended to me by a friend. WONDERFUL WEBSITE COMMUNITY! I LOVE that site. As I mentioned, I followed just a simple calorie restriction and did some exercising and in a six month period, I was eating better, feeling better, and 50 pounds lighter. People around me were noticing. The plant manager (which is the picture of fitness) of where I work commented on my progress one morning over coffee. It was nice that other people were noticing. It felt great. But apparently not great enough to keep going. I don't remember what happened, but I stopped logging, started working long hours, started eating takeout again. Just totally went off the success track...and thought "I'm just destined to always be fat, so why not do what I want to do and be happy."
Happy? Really? Almost 200 lbs overweight, how can one ever have a "happy life"? Do you know I love roller coasters? LOVE. Haven't been able to ride them since 17. Hips too big. I'm not a big out doorsy person, but I have no energy, no stamina, all I want to do is sleep. How in the hell did I ever think I was going to be truly happy doing that? Then came other issues....sleep apnea, high blood pressure, more medication, and the dreaded "insulin resistant". So I started on the path again. Lost about 30 pounds that time. I did the same thing. Calorie counting and exercise. Then the same thing happened...on a larger scale. There was some personal trauma in my life and I turned to food for comfort. I was only crying, eating, and sleeping. Things have been getting better, but money is still pretty tight, so it's cheaper to eat junk than to eat properly.
On October 10th, I attended a seminar at a hospital. The topic: Bariatric Surgery. I attended for moral support for my boy friend. He was referred by his doctor and he really wanted moral support and my logical mind...to help analyze the options for him, like weighing the pros and cons, and thinking up crazy shit to ask. Well, something really hit me during this seminar. I had a strong urge to sign up. I mentioned it to the BF. I thought he was going to be upset, as we were really there for HIM. BUT he was supportive. And I signed up. So really, that was the first step...and yesterday was the big second step.
Yesterday, I went for my consultation with the surgeon. So it is official, I'm gonna cheat!
No, seriously, I have no idea why I had that in my mind...but cheating isn't the right term. TOOL...that's the term.
So, I'm going to start blogging about my journey, my feelings, thoughts, actions, successes, failures, and everything in between. Feel free to ask questions. Encouragement is always welcome.
~Cole~
Well, all of this blabbing is taking you to the current. Something would happen, and we would start to eat out more...or even worse, expenses increased and had to cut the grocery budget. Healthy food is expensive. Hamburger Helper, not so much. BUT do you know what kind of crap is in that? Mostly salt and some sort of flavoring. I digress.
I once had a family member say to me "The corporate world thinks fat people are lazy. You should really consider bariatric surgery to be able to move forward in your career." I really wanted to punch this individual. Hard. I could do this. I could do this all by myself. I didn't need the cheater method. Surgery was cheating. If I just became disciplined enough, I could make it happen.I signed up for My Fitness Pal, recommended to me by a friend. WONDERFUL WEBSITE COMMUNITY! I LOVE that site. As I mentioned, I followed just a simple calorie restriction and did some exercising and in a six month period, I was eating better, feeling better, and 50 pounds lighter. People around me were noticing. The plant manager (which is the picture of fitness) of where I work commented on my progress one morning over coffee. It was nice that other people were noticing. It felt great. But apparently not great enough to keep going. I don't remember what happened, but I stopped logging, started working long hours, started eating takeout again. Just totally went off the success track...and thought "I'm just destined to always be fat, so why not do what I want to do and be happy."
Happy? Really? Almost 200 lbs overweight, how can one ever have a "happy life"? Do you know I love roller coasters? LOVE. Haven't been able to ride them since 17. Hips too big. I'm not a big out doorsy person, but I have no energy, no stamina, all I want to do is sleep. How in the hell did I ever think I was going to be truly happy doing that? Then came other issues....sleep apnea, high blood pressure, more medication, and the dreaded "insulin resistant". So I started on the path again. Lost about 30 pounds that time. I did the same thing. Calorie counting and exercise. Then the same thing happened...on a larger scale. There was some personal trauma in my life and I turned to food for comfort. I was only crying, eating, and sleeping. Things have been getting better, but money is still pretty tight, so it's cheaper to eat junk than to eat properly.
On October 10th, I attended a seminar at a hospital. The topic: Bariatric Surgery. I attended for moral support for my boy friend. He was referred by his doctor and he really wanted moral support and my logical mind...to help analyze the options for him, like weighing the pros and cons, and thinking up crazy shit to ask. Well, something really hit me during this seminar. I had a strong urge to sign up. I mentioned it to the BF. I thought he was going to be upset, as we were really there for HIM. BUT he was supportive. And I signed up. So really, that was the first step...and yesterday was the big second step.
Yesterday, I went for my consultation with the surgeon. So it is official, I'm gonna cheat!
No, seriously, I have no idea why I had that in my mind...but cheating isn't the right term. TOOL...that's the term.
So, I'm going to start blogging about my journey, my feelings, thoughts, actions, successes, failures, and everything in between. Feel free to ask questions. Encouragement is always welcome.
~Cole~
Friday, May 25, 2012
Fit & Fabulous Friday ~ Week 1
I am on a major
weight loss journey. To be healthy according to the medical community, I need to
lose half of my weight, which is actually an obese person. I have read that it
is very helpful to be raw and honest. So, each Friday I will be charting my
weight loss journey for everyone to read. I will include my routines, what I
have found works for me, what I learn along the way, and anything else fitness
related.
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